Here is a slightly silly reworking of a very familiar tale.
Okay... It's very silly.
Okay... It's very silly.
"Eh? Sorry, dear. What was that?"
"I've had my bath, Grandma has dried my hair, I have my bedtime milk here and Grandma says that you can tell me a story." His six year old grand-daughter grinned at him.
"Did she now? Well, come here and crawl onto my lap and I'll see what I can do. Let me see, let me see... ". He pushed his spectacles up his nose and thought for a moment. "I know, here is a story about a family of bears that live in a house in a forest and a little girl who comes to visit."
"Oh, Granddad... Not AGAIN!" She sighed. "The little girl finds the bears' house, breaks all the chairs, eats all the porridge and falls asleep in a bed. The bears come back and she runs away. I've heard this story before." She pouted at her grandfather.
"No, no, no, dear. This is a completely different story. Yes there is a family of bears and a little girl who is an uninvited guest, but this story is very different. It has a happy ending too." He smiled benevolently. "Does that sound like something you might enjoy?"
"Um. ...Maybe? Okay, Granddad. Please tell me the story."
--
Not so long ago and not so far away there lived a family of bears. There was a Daddy bear - who was big, strong, furry and ever so slightly grumpy. There was a Mummy bear - was also big, strong and furry and only very occasionally grumpy. ...And there was a Baby bear who looked quite a lot like your teddy bear - small, not so strong, but very, very cute and fluffy. He might have also been a little bit grumpy too. And they all lived together in the deep dark forest, living on fruit from the trees, berries from the bushes, fish from the river and honey from the wild bees. They lived in a cave and they were very happy and... Well, exactly like you would imagine a family of wild bears would be.
Then one day a swirly star fell from the sky and landed near the Bear Family's cave. To their surprise ...it spoke to them.
"Greetings, Ursine Family Unit. I bring you salutations and I mean you no harm. As a sign of my goodwill, I will bestow on you intelligence, speech and opposable digits. In return I would like to observe you."
("That's very silly, Granddad."
"Yes. Yes, I know.")
There was a flash of multi-coloured light and Bear family fell asleep on the forest floor. When they woke up they felt a bit different. They didn't want to live in their draughty old cave anymore. ...And walking on all fours didn't seem quite right either. So they stood up on their hind legs and went house hunting.
Not long after the family had their own cottage in the middle of the forest with pink shutters, a blue door, comfy beds, wooden chairs and table and a small, pleasant garden outside with a shrubbery and a path. It was very nice indeed - and the Bear Family loved living there.
Daddy Bear took to wearing an undersized green hat with a collar and green necktie. He found work as an assistant park ranger in charge of picnic basket procurement. Mummy Bear starting wearing a cute blue mini-skirt, putting a daisy behind her ear and going for walks with her parasol. ...As for Baby Bear - he liked to wear purple bow ties and he spent a lot of his time getting his father out of sticky situations. The swirly star visited them occasionally; he examined them and asked if they liked their new lives. Daddy Bear was always quick to point out just how much cleverer he was than the other bears in the forest; Mummy and Baby Bear knew different but they just smiled and humoured him.
--
One day, when the Bear Family were out at a farmers' market buying minute jars of locally-sourced organic honey, a little girl came by their house. Now this little girl wasn't a very nice little girl. Yes, she seemed very pretty and pleasant with her long, golden curls, sweet rosy cheeks, sparkling blue eyes and her funny, silly laugh, but unfortunately... she wasn't.
She walked up to the door of the Bear Family's house and starting banging on it very loudly, without a second's thought for all the other woodland creatures going about their daily business.
"OI! BEARS! I'M HUNGRY! LET ME IN NOW!" she yelled.
Obviously there was no answer - the Bears were twenty miles away licking honey spoons and discussing the merits of blended versus single flower honey in great depth with their favourite bee-keeping artisan.
"RIGHT! I'M COMING IN!" said the little girl.
She stepped twenty feet back from the house, took a deep breath and charged at the door. "AAAAAAAAARGGHHH!" she yelled - then there was a crash and the door fell off its hinges. "THAT'S BETTER!" said the little girl. "NOW... WHERE'S THE GRUB?"
In the kitchen there was a cupboard filled with jars of honey and jam, loaves of bread and pats of butter; the little girl helped herself. ...And she had a little bit more. Then a little bit more and more and more until there wasn't a scrap of food left in the cupboard. '"HEY! I'M THIRSTY! WHAT DOES A SWEET (burp!) LITTLE GIRL LIKE ME NEED TO DO TO GET A DECENT GLASS OF MILK ROUND HERE?"
("Oooohhh. She's very rude, isn't she Granddad?"
"Yes. Yes, she is.")
Meanwhile the Bear Family were making their way back from the market. They had just bought a second hand car from a rather hairy gentlemen who had a animal skin coat and a rather nice line in monomania when he got over-excited. Daddy Bear wasn't sure if a vintage camper van was really appropriate for his family, but the man had wielded that club of his very, very persuasively. Those three young ladies of his were also, very, um, attractive too and he could tell Mummy Bear didn't approve.
Back at the Bears' house, the now not-so-little girl was now looking for somewhere to sit down. Or maybe sleep; the kitchen floor seemed a good enough place as any. She closed her eyes and within a couple of minutes she was snoring loud enough to rustle the leaves in the trees.
Some time later the Bear Family pulled up outside. First they noticed the door, or rather the lack of one. Then they got out of the car. Then they noticed the muddy footprints leading from the front door into the kitchen. Then they noticed the open, empty cupboards, empty bread wrappers, emptied jars of honey, broken glass, puddles of milk and - in the middle of the room - a rather mucky looking, rotund little girl with honey, butter and jam smeared in her curly blonde hair and on her frilly white dress. ...Who was snoring, loudly. The Bear Family went outside, got out the lunch they had bought at the market and began to eat. And why not? It was a warm, sunny day; confronting their uninvited guest could wait.
--
("Granddad! What are you doing? Where's the bit about 'Who's been sleeping in my bed?' gone?"
"I thought you said you didn't want that? No, these are polite, friendly bears who don't go around frightening small children, even those that invite themselves into stranger's houses and then eat everything in the house.")
--
The little girl woke up, her hair sticky with honey. "Ooohhh, I don't feel well!" she said. "Ahem!" said a gruff voice behind her. In front of her were the three bears. "Uh oh," she said, nervously.
"Hello? Little girl? Care for a sandwich?" said Daddy Bear, offering her the open picnic basket.
--
As I said, this is a story with a happy ending. The little girl apologised for raiding the Bear Family's house. She mended the door and cleaned up the mess in the kitchen. Finally she helped the Bears replace the food she had eaten by helping Daddy Bear set up a hive in the garden and by cooking some scones with Mummy Bear and Baby Bear. ...And do you what? They all became friends. The little girl and her family became very close to the Bear Family - which they remain to this day.
And the little swirly star? He was very happy too, and so were his superiors - he got his promotion. "And it's about time too, " said his boss, Mr. Warner.
--
"I liked that story, Granddad. Thank you. ...Though I don't quite understand that last bit." said the grand-daughter.
"You're welcome, my dear. Now, it's time to go to bed. Say good-night to Grandma and we'll see you in the morning."
--
Later the grand-parents were sitting in their living room.
"That story just gets sillier and sillier," said the grandmother.
"I know, I know."
He paused.
"...But it is all true, isn't it? We did all become good friends, didn't we?" he answered, resting a paw gently on her hand.
"True... But I don't remember ever being that rude. And my mother had to wash my hair three times before she got all the honey out. Did you know that?"
He laughed.
"I know... Hey, are you sitting in my chair?"
"Oh, you silly. Good night, Baby Bear."
"Goodnight, Goldilocks."
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